In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
You Might Also Like
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Goodnight 🐶
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
remember
only for emergencies
groan^2
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”