In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.

Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.

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I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.


You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!


To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.


Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!


The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.


best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival


[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]

Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.


Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.