@hipchkk

In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.

Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.

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@OhHellsYes

I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.

@10InchesPlus

You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!

@david8hughes

To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.

@joshweller

Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!

@deviledlegs

The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.

@GrantTanaka

best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival

@Reverend_Scott

[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]

Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.

@noog

Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.