@OhHellsYes I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
@hipchkk In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
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@OhHellsYes 
@10InchesPlus You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
@ShutUpThatsWho So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
@david8hughes To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
@kiel_phillips Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
@joshweller Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
@deviledlegs The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
@GrantTanaka best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
@Reverend_Scott [Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
@noog Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.