*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
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Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?