[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
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If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Best spoiler warning ever
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach