[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
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sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
oh shit
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
i’m still crying at this
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time