{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
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i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic