[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
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ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
emergency phone
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
saw this in a dream
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.