in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
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Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
I think this cat is broken
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Every photo I’m tagged in
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
I have two kinds of followers
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell