In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
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Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.