*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
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Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
are they though??
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.