[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
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me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed