[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
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Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah