[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
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My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
This dude got his own movie?
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.