[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
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Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not