In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
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Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
The glory of fall.
getting corrected
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.