In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.

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Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.


Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.


I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.


*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win


There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.


A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.


[opening birthday cards]

me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these

walmart clerk: put those back


Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting