In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
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My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.