In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
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For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.