In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
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The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.