@JoParkerBear

In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”

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@KeetPotato

me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”

@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”

*45 minutes later*

Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”

@huntigula

Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself

@bridger_w

“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation

@MissHavisham

“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.

@KevinFarzad

I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.

@cravin4

Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.

*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*

@JoyceWhiteVance

My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size

@Jennuflect

Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.