In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
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Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
It was worth a shot 😂
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink