*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
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I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
SF is the wild wild west man
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Somebody needs to get my shit together.