In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
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[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Who.
Did.
This?
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.