In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.

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I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.


When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.


I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.


You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.


To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches


The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.


Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes


Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate