@AlexKaseberg

In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.

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@FloodyHippie

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

@joeljeffrey

When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.

@BigRadMachine

I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.

@Erin1137

You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.

@teeaayyyy

To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches

@ShaeAaron

The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.

@donni

Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes

@reallifemommy3

Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate