@Julian_Deane I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
@AlexKaseberg In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
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@Julian_Deane 
@FloodyHippie I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
@joeljeffrey When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
@BigRadMachine I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
@PetiteRainCity Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
@Erin1137 You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
@teeaayyyy To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
@ShaeAaron The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
@donni Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
@reallifemommy3 Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate