In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
You Might Also Like
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps