In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
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Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Who wants to be my Valentine?
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for: