In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
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Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot