Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”

I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.

[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either

I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.

I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.

Must be a covid thing.

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate

My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.

Husband: What is today?

Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.

turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?

Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.

” I made my famous dip for the office party”

You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.

“But he wasn’t a chef”

Exactly

When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.

Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.

me: clean your room
teen: okay

(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!

(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*

And now we wait.

Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂

We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.

Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?

My date: [to waiter] Check, please.

ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher

*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*

TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please

BBC: *reveals new Doctor*

Me: Nice!!

…
…

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-

(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.

[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD

Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.