In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
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To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
🔦🌙👣
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.