[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
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[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.