[in hell journal day 211]

I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me

You Might Also Like


Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.


Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?


I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.


I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.


maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]


Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-

Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]


don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit


Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.


How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻‍♀️