*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
You Might Also Like
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Thoughts
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Children of the corn 🌽
The real reason evolution started..😂
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving