In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
You Might Also Like
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad