In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
You Might Also Like
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Beards are a privilege, not a right
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”