In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
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I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”