In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
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The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Bill is short for Billiam
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀