@HRTSMRT

In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.

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@Mormonger

Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!

Fatted Calf: This cannot be good

@LlamaInaTux

Receptionist: the doctor can see you now

invisible man who’s also blind: who said that

receptionist: who said that

@dhumann

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.

@CrockettForReal

If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell

@karlainvt

Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.

@djdarrellripley

Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.

Me: Why, do you hear laughter?

@iwearaonesie

Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.

@stephenjmolloy

“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”