In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
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Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition