In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
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Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
I’ll be mad as hell!
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”