In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
You Might Also Like
🤣
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Holy shit he’s back
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.