In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
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If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
“I FIXED IT!”
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.