In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
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My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.