In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
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how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.