In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
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[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes