In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
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I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.