In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
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king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!