In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
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As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
If you know, you know
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
How high do the levels go?
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
whenever i wake up before my alarm
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.