[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
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My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.