In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
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Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
A classic example of a cat being a cat.