In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
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a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭