Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
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Hi, is your refrigerator running?
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..
We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.