@RidiculousSheri

In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.

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@AmishPornStar1

Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!

Me: It was getting freezer-burned.

W: I just bought it today!

Me: Crazy freezer.

@QwertyJones3

[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.

@SteveKoehler22

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.

@driverminnie

Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”

@That_Damn_Duck

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

@Yoda4ever

Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…๐Ÿ•๐Ÿพ๐Ÿ˜…

@pourmecoffee

*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year

“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”

@dafloydsta

Dear Kelloggs,

Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.

Sincerely,
Tired parents

@Darlainky

I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.

@bea_ker

I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.