In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
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Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season