In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
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*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Now this is how you LinkedIn
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor