In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
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Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving