In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
You Might Also Like
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.