*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
You Might Also Like
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
I should wash my van
We could use the rain